Rape.

& my eyes are crying the same tears they have known for the last six years from the time I was raped

I wonder why a young teenage girl would be touched for her first time by two men with names I will never forget, and faces that burn my skull at hours of the night

& I wonder how much of my life would have been what I wanted it all to be, how much power I would have kept and how in line I would have stayed if that night, I was not robbed of my rights and my body

. & I Wish I could find a way to forgive myself for letting my life be ruled by this event, but it takes six years to realize the pain you once endured will likely rule the path in front of you.

When do I forgive myself for something I never did ? Does the feeling of hate dissipate ? Can I one day trust a man near me ?

Why have I let my life spin into oblivion and never saw help but let my wounds get deeper until the chance of recovery was beyond repair ?

Late nights, I see your faces and the smell of the summer night creep into my lungs. I remember the shirt I wore that you both ripped off and I can feel myself become a object that would be sabotaged.

& I wonder, when I can stop living in this shame and find my self the girl I was the day before, so I can get my feet back and pray to God I can help other girls who need help, sooner than six years.

A RX of voids

I am in a fight with my self a fight I hope I win. I am an addict at its finest, but a human at its worse. I have a addicted personality and I often times let my self fall into the throws of this lush life style I often see fit for the moment of power and joy that is brought upon the medicine of choice or the one at hand.

A month and a half ago I became sick and I was given vikodin for the pain of the cough, I took the dose in three days but it should have lasted me a solid week. I was so happy everywhere I went even the situations I was in during the drug stint I was happy regardless of the let down I at the time was facing. I got home from a vacation on the medicine and I franticly found my self desperate to numb my mind to what it had been dumbed down too, I was a feign brought back to life and ready to suck any blood I could to find the closest thing to settling my addiction by feeding it with its own best friend.

A month ago I took one pill because I told my mother I was in pain from working out and needed a pain medication she had gotten it from a large pill bottle her husband had that turned out to be a man made opiate. I took one and I was floating, I was in the best place I can think of these last two months every thing around me was bright I was shining I was a star. The next day I took two pills, and it kept going on and on such as. By the time a week had passed I had spent my free time only dreaming of what I would do high, would I sit at home by my self and dream of the life I gave up but was completely happy with now for no apparent reason? Would I watch tv for hours on end and not really give a fuck what was on the screen? That was the thing, I just didn’t care I just wanted to feel nothing but a void.

My step father has a amputated leg and he has a lot of pain medicines he is perscribed monthly due to his phantom pains, I had begun taking so many that at the begining of this relapse his bottle once had 100 pills and it was now down to the bottom of the pill bottle. I was regulating almost 10 pills a day-night. I am a small girl I don’t weigh much and I am pretty petite. I would be taking so many pills I would forget how many I had taken and take more in case I had not gotten enough. Three weeks into this you realize you have to now take 11 – 12 pills and dip into his other stash.. for what? Why am I on so many pills that I have spent a month straight at this point avoiding leaving my own house? I am antisocial and I wish nothing more than to sit in solitude and feel nothing. Is this actually living ? I don’t know if it is, I have tried to justify it as living but all I can give my self is living in a medium non existent land where a lot of people soon learned to forget I was even a city or state away how often do you care to make conversation with a girl who can barely spell her name, due to the fact she self diagnosed her self with a medication to strip her personality? It is now a fact, a month and a half later I lack the friends I once had because this is not the first time I would be able to tell them I am sorry I had a relapse with pain medication.

A week ago it snowed and it was also Thanksgiving my brother would be home soon and I was sitting at home in my room the same time it is now, and I was high as a kite. I had a pile of pills sitting in front of me and I began to cry so hard I cried for no reason I had no clue why I was crying I was so numb but I cried and I cried. I now realize I had numbed my self to a point that every problem I had was still in my brain but I was shutting it to a place I would eventually find. It was dark out I was crying and I got my boots on and I ran into the dark of the night with the freshly coated snow ground and I cried at the blank slate the world had given me, it was so obvious. I stared at the streets with no sign of life though I live in a rural area and there is most certainly many living breathing bodies just beneath. I watch my foot prints dissapear as snow covered them, I was non existant in my own journey to wake my self up. This was the biggest moment of my life for this addiction the sign was there.. If I kept down this road, no one would be able to help save me because I would be so far gone they wouldn’t know where to start.

I told my mother about my problem and this was nothing new to her she did not take it as it was but I am glad for the fact she just judged it as a regular thing such as taking too much tylonal. I began to wean off of the medicine and it was a hard thing for me to even think of doing but I realized it was the only step I had left in this game I had created. I have been at this for a week now with only one slip up I am down to two pills, cutting it drastically and feeling every inch of pain that is given to me within the realization of the cold hard truth that I am seeing life as it is for the first time in a month. I had put my self into oblivion and now I am almost off of this devil of a pill and I am realizing how hard it all was and why I jumped into this self mutilating boat of pills. I have spent a lot of time thinking of how much I wish I could just have one more night living in la la land but how does one person decide only one would do? If we could choose when we could emotionally take a break from the harsh fact of what we need to do in life to keep living then we would all fall apart such as my self.

I hope to keep getting off of this sucesfully and I hope I can say sorry to some people that deserve it, people that were a victome to my behavior because of the personality I had given my self, this horrible personality that was as generic as a blank avatar.

Day four of becoming clean

Addiction is by far one of the ugliest words I have ever been capable of typing yet I have spent much time thinking of how I will type it out to make my self seem less of a self made victim to my current state of dependency and withdrawal. I placed my self within my own circle of pity, it involves one person seeing as though I have left my friends behind so I Could love something that is a thing, a feeling - a product with money value, trust and most days it would have never left me when the tough was going.

Day four, my body is weak. I have done this all too many times before. I have spent my life since I was 16 battling pill addictions, never a real street drug such as heroin oxy or meth, but sometimes I would love to say no matter the title of a drug its cause and affect are some times just as bad as the things we can find in a doctors office, a friends room and or a parents medicine cabinet.

The last month and a half of my life has been vague, I have been shut off and I have burnt many bridges. This relapse was a shorter one that I hope to beat - it is not two years of drug use, or six, this was almost two months but it in the long run caused me to loose much more. I quit my job, I lost my boyfriend, I have not seen many people these last two months. I took the medication at one pill the first night I can remember it vividly, it was heaven - my legs and arms were finally sitting still no fidgeting just this calm relaxed zen like state. I spent the night laughing because I found the cure too life, I was happy on my own time when I wanted too be.

One pill rapidly becomes 3 the next then into 5 before you know it your on day four of addiction and you are taking 10 pills, and when you forget how many pills you have taken you end up counting 15 to be missing within a night. You are a drug addict, you are now a feign. I can blame my addiction onto things in my life that hurt me, I could say I am vulnerable because of my past but I can also keep on with the track I am sitting in and continue to wean off of this medicine the same way I flew right into it. Though my body is in severe pain, my mind is in shambles I am seeing for the first time in a couple of months how destructive I truly was to the people in my life. The job I left, the friends I let down. It is one of the most depressing feelings to know you are so unhappy with yourself you would rather buy happiness and take a dose then take a chance in the real world and not knowing if you will have it the next day, that is what makes taking pills so comforting you know you can find this warm empty feeling for a price, but when you realize no one is there to share your deep thoughts or your gradual climb to a heaven like state you hold onto the closest pillow you find and you cry for no reason, mainly because your mind is blank and your body is numb and you wish you had some one to grab you put you on a blank piece of paper and give you a chance to be what ever you want out of this situation.

This is day four, I am in a emotional frenzy where I find myself confused as too what comes next though I am well aware I am on the right path. You choose what you turn your life into, this world is a cruel place and we can easily turn our own world into a even more cruel place to exist in. This is day four, some times in this kind of situation it is best too pretend you are a child learning to count for the first time, that way when you say four then five than six, you can be proud of yourself for learning how easy it really is once you get past the harsh fact it is in fact learning a new task to remember repeat and go off of.

- Pamela

Tristan from www.controltv.com

I spent my weekend in a rather odd predicament, not a bad one, just amazing for the most part but certainly odd. I received a phone call on Friday informing me I had the chance to come on the Internet reality show I had been a fan of, not just me, my mother, my friends. I was so excited, I had been sick for a week and gotten laryngitis in the process and then found out I got to go to Hollywood for Halloween to meet the man in front of the cameras. I got my plane ticket within the hour, I spent my night looking for a Halloween costume and spent the last of my last jobs paycheck on some cheap Halloween thing that is always - always, over priced... those tricky people. I went to the urgent care after with my mother to make sure my voice going out was not contagious it was not, I was just voiceless and in pain. None of this mattered I was so excited. I spent my night packing, I went to sleep at four a.m. after figuring it all out, I got a total of two hours of sleep! I got on that airplane, though I have a serious Airplane fear, it was a plane ride that would be sending me back within 24 hours, but as I said - worth it all to me at the time.

I had such a good time being with the producers, the staff - everyone, they were all so nice and I loved it all! I could not wait to meet Tristan. I got to my hotel room and spent three hours getting ready, I don't get nervous but I was so excited to see the show I had been watching andcommunicating with since day one of this event. I was a twitter fan, I was a Facebook fan, and I also used my networking connections to spread the word about it as well. There had been a lead up to this point within the show, Tristan and I had talked previously, I do think he is a stud but I also think it is pointless in the real world to have any kind of " feelings " for a stranger, I was just excited to meet some one I had looked up to and interacted with for the last month via web show.

I was put into the room with out him being aware, it was a shock for him I am sure. I am also positive he is most likely a shy person and also considering his surroundings. He took a shot of liquor immediately after knowing it was me, that is always such a great feeling - driving any person to want to drink. I came to California to have fun, I did have fun- just none with the star. I am a very social person, I tried my best to have any kind of conversation with him but he was brief, silent and really could have cared less that I had walked in the room. Am I that hideous of a person? I make people have to drink? I make them not want to socialize after we had spoken on and off for a month online and I had been so nice?

Iintentional or not it is a jab to a persons ego and the situation to have flown 1,020 miles on such short notice to be apart of something as a fan that I had thought was such a good idea, I was so excited. When do people decide its okay to treat you as if your not there? I spent the night hanging out with his friend because I was alone in Hollywood in a club situation, something I am not familiar with obviously. I was silly with his friend because I had no one else and everyone as myself thought Tristan could have at least had any urge to approach me to speak on a friendly level, I had no other intentions.

After the club my family had begun texting me rapidly asking why he was ignoring me, my friends were asking me why he was ignoring me they were just as confused as I was as to why the person I had been flown to meet could have cared less I shared the air in his room. I was humiliated, this person - this all mighty person who is on a reality Internet web show had shut me down as a person, a living breathing human being with feelings.

I went back to my hotel very early because my friends and family were right, and I could stand him being rude, but I could not stand for my relatives and friends back home to see me being hurt on a show, they had no way to reach out to me and tell me they were sorry he had acted this way.

So here is my question, he twitters to his fans, he talks to his fans, and I was a fan correct? I did not want anything more than a conversation. I went home empty handed from his character, which in this case - is himself. I would love to say I feel bad for myself, but I truly could not say that, if I could make one point clear, no matter the situation you are in, no matter the person you may think you are dealing with you should always treat them with respect. I have no respect for him, a stranger who I once promoted, looked forward to speaking with on twitter, publicly hurt me by lack of my existance.

Life can be really hard, and most of us will never be the same as one another, we might have different lives different goals different pasts. To treat a person differently because of these set in stone facts, this is something I think should not exist to show how a person responds to a fan. So this just goes to show that www.controltv.com is in fact, the only reality show that does exist on the web, because this " Tristan " could have cared less, and he made it very clear that me being a fan and going an extra mile, meant shit to him, he showed his true colors.

. To the crew, you were all so kind to me. I am sorry if this blog is horrible sounding - you all did so much to make me feel as good as I could. Your show is so amazing, it truly is and I am glad I got to be apart of it. I did have fun with his friend I did, I appreciate the trip so much, and I apologize for the outcome.

- Pamela

P.S. I think it is ironic you once said I was your #1 fan, so what does #2 get treated like?

Dwight Clark found dead today

Dwight Clark, an eighteen year old boy who started College three weeks ago at the College my Brother attends in Bellingham Washington, is found dead today. Dwight went missing a week and a half ago, he is from the city I live in and we have all prayed for him to return home safe, my brothers city has been on edge waiting to see him come home with the hope we all had. Today after much praying for cities for miles, Dwight was found dead.

Dwight was only eighteen years old and had only been at school for five days. He was by himself at two a.m. from a party, and I hope if Dwight from heaven can give us anything more than he is just by the sadness we are all feeling in our homes today I hope every one can hear the importance of security, staying with friends in public areas and never trusting anyone even if you are six feet tall such as Dwight.

God Bless your family, and rest in peace Dwight.

This summer, this year.

Life is so full of options, mistakes and chances to redeem ourselves. I have been to hell in back within 11 months. I would say a year but that would be to cliche'.. I will be 22 this November, and I have lived a very turbulent life these past months.

For the last two months I have lived a clean life, a life full of regrets being dealt with, a job I work very hard at to be paid very little, this is not the past such as Florida when I was determined I was changed, this is an actual life style I have taken upon myself. I was never the fame seeking whore the internet has painted me to be, I fell into a ugly ugly pattern of a gap brought upon by a website, certain friends, relationships .. I had nothing else in my life so I ran to the enemies arms, and found no comfort. I was a 20 year old girl running on my own to Florida doing a job I dreaded, it ended horribly but I came out okay... I was very lucky. I spent four months working in Washington, I didn't talk about my past to many people it was too soon and too personal. The week I quit my job I had obtained since the same week I had returned from Florida, I went on vacation to Las Vegas - still barely 21, Everyone looking in assumed I had never changed, and everyone was right. I never had a chance to change my self once being home from Florida, I was miserable. I tried taking my own life, and instead of going to a therapist I tried fitting into the same awkward club going, heartless - soulless crowd who had made me believe my life was worthy the way I had began to live it. I found myself in Vegas for almost five months, I was a liar. I had tons of days where I was too prideful to tell roomates I had not eaten in three days and I was starving, I did jobs ( I was never a hooker ) to feed myself, these jobs will haunt me until I can personally forgive myself for allowing my self to get intertwined in this way of life. My life had become a meaningless pit again, just like Florida but this time I was buried so far into my own hole that there was no point in asking for help, I moved to Southern Cali. for almost a month with an ex whom I had known for only a week or less before making this decision. I never loved him, I worked the job I hated to support us both. He kicked me out twice, I drove 3000 miles in one week, and finally ended up home back to Seattle. I wanted to give up on life the first day I arrived here I drank a bottle of nyquil and I fell asleep with no tears but fear for what life really meant. Within the week I found myself full of unusual pride, I had beat all the demons and I had to keep going forward. I ebayed most all of my belongings to keep my car, I became a very humble girl. My ex had stolen my Tv, Dvd Player and any form of entertainment. His loss. I met a friend who became my angel, me and Ben were friends every day until he departed for Europe a week ago for the next year. We boated, we climbed things, we went on adventures .. We did everything normal people my age would look down on, because I should be in a club - I should be tanning, and I also should be working out. These past two months, I did not let my self go, I just let my spiteful bitter bone go, my hateful side my shallow side, I got a job working in retail again and plan on being a full time student in college once again this Winter. There are plenty of things in my life I still deal with, I have cut most all friends out of my circle because it is all so lucid what most all people want from me... I have found myself dating a charming man who also compliments my better sides, I think we have been together for a month or so now but it was not a conventional meeting it was rough and we worked to have happiness but he never lets me down, he is just as fun as I am and accepts all of my past as I do him. I have also spent my summer with my family, realizing how much I love each of them in so many ways. I tried being a tough guy and deep down I was more scared then any person you would have ever met.

Here is to realization of what is actually happening.

XoXo. - Pam

Rest in Peace Dustin

Rest in Peace Dustin, my beloved cousin who passed Saturday. I hope you are happy, pain free finally... You gave this world all you had and then some, and all I can think of is how proud your family and friends were of you these past five years...

I pray your family is going to be okay soon.. I love you cousin, your heart became pure and I know you went where a good heart deserves to go.

I cry when I think of you being gone, but you have given me so much love through your acts. You have opened my eyes to the fact of life, you proved to be an amazing son, brother, cousin and uncle .. you had a rough past, but you changed your whole life and became such an amazing man. you help me see that we can make our lives into what we want them to be, and you inspire me to be the best I can be.