For the last two months I have lived a clean life, a life full of regrets being dealt with, a job I work very hard at to be paid very little, this is not the past such as Florida when I was determined I was changed, this is an actual life style I have taken upon myself. I was never the fame seeking whore the internet has painted me to be, I fell into a ugly ugly pattern of a gap brought upon by a website, certain friends, relationships .. I had nothing else in my life so I ran to the enemies arms, and found no comfort. I was a 20 year old girl running on my own to Florida doing a job I dreaded, it ended horribly but I came out okay... I was very lucky. I spent four months working in Washington, I didn't talk about my past to many people it was too soon and too personal. The week I quit my job I had obtained since the same week I had returned from Florida, I went on vacation to Las Vegas - still barely 21, Everyone looking in assumed I had never changed, and everyone was right. I never had a chance to change my self once being home from Florida, I was miserable. I tried taking my own life, and instead of going to a therapist I tried fitting into the same awkward club going, heartless - soulless crowd who had made me believe my life was worthy the way I had began to live it. I found myself in Vegas for almost five months, I was a liar. I had tons of days where I was too prideful to tell roomates I had not eaten in three days and I was starving, I did jobs ( I was never a hooker ) to feed myself, these jobs will haunt me until I can personally forgive myself for allowing my self to get intertwined in this way of life. My life had become a meaningless pit again, just like Florida but this time I was buried so far into my own hole that there was no point in asking for help, I moved to Southern Cali. for almost a month with an ex whom I had known for only a week or less before making this decision. I never loved him, I worked the job I hated to support us both. He kicked me out twice, I drove 3000 miles in one week, and finally ended up home back to Seattle. I wanted to give up on life the first day I arrived here I drank a bottle of nyquil and I fell asleep with no tears but fear for what life really meant. Within the week I found myself full of unusual pride, I had beat all the demons and I had to keep going forward. I ebayed most all of my belongings to keep my car, I became a very humble girl. My ex had stolen my Tv, Dvd Player and any form of entertainment. His loss. I met a friend who became my angel, me and Ben were friends every day until he departed for Europe a week ago for the next year. We boated, we climbed things, we went on adventures .. We did everything normal people my age would look down on, because I should be in a club - I should be tanning, and I also should be working out. These past two months, I did not let my self go, I just let my spiteful bitter bone go, my hateful side my shallow side, I got a job working in retail again and plan on being a full time student in college once again this Winter. There are plenty of things in my life I still deal with, I have cut most all friends out of my circle because it is all so lucid what most all people want from me... I have found myself dating a charming man who also compliments my better sides, I think we have been together for a month or so now but it was not a conventional meeting it was rough and we worked to have happiness but he never lets me down, he is just as fun as I am and accepts all of my past as I do him. I have also spent my summer with my family, realizing how much I love each of them in so many ways. I tried being a tough guy and deep down I was more scared then any person you would have ever met.
Here is to realization of what is actually happening.
XoXo. - Pam
