Day four, my body is weak. I have done this all too many times before. I have spent my life since I was 16 battling pill addictions, never a real street drug such as heroin oxy or meth, but sometimes I would love to say no matter the title of a drug its cause and affect are some times just as bad as the things we can find in a doctors office, a friends room and or a parents medicine cabinet.
The last month and a half of my life has been vague, I have been shut off and I have burnt many bridges. This relapse was a shorter one that I hope to beat - it is not two years of drug use, or six, this was almost two months but it in the long run caused me to loose much more. I quit my job, I lost my boyfriend, I have not seen many people these last two months. I took the medication at one pill the first night I can remember it vividly, it was heaven - my legs and arms were finally sitting still no fidgeting just this calm relaxed zen like state. I spent the night laughing because I found the cure too life, I was happy on my own time when I wanted too be.
One pill rapidly becomes 3 the next then into 5 before you know it your on day four of addiction and you are taking 10 pills, and when you forget how many pills you have taken you end up counting 15 to be missing within a night. You are a drug addict, you are now a feign. I can blame my addiction onto things in my life that hurt me, I could say I am vulnerable because of my past but I can also keep on with the track I am sitting in and continue to wean off of this medicine the same way I flew right into it. Though my body is in severe pain, my mind is in shambles I am seeing for the first time in a couple of months how destructive I truly was to the people in my life. The job I left, the friends I let down. It is one of the most depressing feelings to know you are so unhappy with yourself you would rather buy happiness and take a dose then take a chance in the real world and not knowing if you will have it the next day, that is what makes taking pills so comforting you know you can find this warm empty feeling for a price, but when you realize no one is there to share your deep thoughts or your gradual climb to a heaven like state you hold onto the closest pillow you find and you cry for no reason, mainly because your mind is blank and your body is numb and you wish you had some one to grab you put you on a blank piece of paper and give you a chance to be what ever you want out of this situation.
This is day four, I am in a emotional frenzy where I find myself confused as too what comes next though I am well aware I am on the right path. You choose what you turn your life into, this world is a cruel place and we can easily turn our own world into a even more cruel place to exist in. This is day four, some times in this kind of situation it is best too pretend you are a child learning to count for the first time, that way when you say four then five than six, you can be proud of yourself for learning how easy it really is once you get past the harsh fact it is in fact learning a new task to remember repeat and go off of.
- Pamela
