I am in a fight with my self a fight I hope I win. I am an addict at its finest, but a human at its worse. I have a addicted personality and I often times let my self fall into the throws of this lush life style I often see fit for the moment of power and joy that is brought upon the medicine of choice or the one at hand.
A month and a half ago I became sick and I was given vikodin for the pain of the cough, I took the dose in three days but it should have lasted me a solid week. I was so happy everywhere I went even the situations I was in during the drug stint I was happy regardless of the let down I at the time was facing. I got home from a vacation on the medicine and I franticly found my self desperate to numb my mind to what it had been dumbed down too, I was a feign brought back to life and ready to suck any blood I could to find the closest thing to settling my addiction by feeding it with its own best friend.
A month ago I took one pill because I told my mother I was in pain from working out and needed a pain medication she had gotten it from a large pill bottle her husband had that turned out to be a man made opiate. I took one and I was floating, I was in the best place I can think of these last two months every thing around me was bright I was shining I was a star. The next day I took two pills, and it kept going on and on such as. By the time a week had passed I had spent my free time only dreaming of what I would do high, would I sit at home by my self and dream of the life I gave up but was completely happy with now for no apparent reason? Would I watch tv for hours on end and not really give a fuck what was on the screen? That was the thing, I just didn’t care I just wanted to feel nothing but a void.
My step father has a amputated leg and he has a lot of pain medicines he is perscribed monthly due to his phantom pains, I had begun taking so many that at the begining of this relapse his bottle once had 100 pills and it was now down to the bottom of the pill bottle. I was regulating almost 10 pills a day-night. I am a small girl I don’t weigh much and I am pretty petite. I would be taking so many pills I would forget how many I had taken and take more in case I had not gotten enough. Three weeks into this you realize you have to now take 11 – 12 pills and dip into his other stash.. for what? Why am I on so many pills that I have spent a month straight at this point avoiding leaving my own house? I am antisocial and I wish nothing more than to sit in solitude and feel nothing. Is this actually living ? I don’t know if it is, I have tried to justify it as living but all I can give my self is living in a medium non existent land where a lot of people soon learned to forget I was even a city or state away how often do you care to make conversation with a girl who can barely spell her name, due to the fact she self diagnosed her self with a medication to strip her personality? It is now a fact, a month and a half later I lack the friends I once had because this is not the first time I would be able to tell them I am sorry I had a relapse with pain medication.
A week ago it snowed and it was also Thanksgiving my brother would be home soon and I was sitting at home in my room the same time it is now, and I was high as a kite. I had a pile of pills sitting in front of me and I began to cry so hard I cried for no reason I had no clue why I was crying I was so numb but I cried and I cried. I now realize I had numbed my self to a point that every problem I had was still in my brain but I was shutting it to a place I would eventually find. It was dark out I was crying and I got my boots on and I ran into the dark of the night with the freshly coated snow ground and I cried at the blank slate the world had given me, it was so obvious. I stared at the streets with no sign of life though I live in a rural area and there is most certainly many living breathing bodies just beneath. I watch my foot prints dissapear as snow covered them, I was non existant in my own journey to wake my self up. This was the biggest moment of my life for this addiction the sign was there.. If I kept down this road, no one would be able to help save me because I would be so far gone they wouldn’t know where to start.
I told my mother about my problem and this was nothing new to her she did not take it as it was but I am glad for the fact she just judged it as a regular thing such as taking too much tylonal. I began to wean off of the medicine and it was a hard thing for me to even think of doing but I realized it was the only step I had left in this game I had created. I have been at this for a week now with only one slip up I am down to two pills, cutting it drastically and feeling every inch of pain that is given to me within the realization of the cold hard truth that I am seeing life as it is for the first time in a month. I had put my self into oblivion and now I am almost off of this devil of a pill and I am realizing how hard it all was and why I jumped into this self mutilating boat of pills. I have spent a lot of time thinking of how much I wish I could just have one more night living in la la land but how does one person decide only one would do? If we could choose when we could emotionally take a break from the harsh fact of what we need to do in life to keep living then we would all fall apart such as my self.
I hope to keep getting off of this sucesfully and I hope I can say sorry to some people that deserve it, people that were a victome to my behavior because of the personality I had given my self, this horrible personality that was as generic as a blank avatar.
<3s
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