Rape.

& my eyes are crying the same tears they have known for the last six years from the time I was raped

I wonder why a young teenage girl would be touched for her first time by two men with names I will never forget, and faces that burn my skull at hours of the night

& I wonder how much of my life would have been what I wanted it all to be, how much power I would have kept and how in line I would have stayed if that night, I was not robbed of my rights and my body

. & I Wish I could find a way to forgive myself for letting my life be ruled by this event, but it takes six years to realize the pain you once endured will likely rule the path in front of you.

When do I forgive myself for something I never did ? Does the feeling of hate dissipate ? Can I one day trust a man near me ?

Why have I let my life spin into oblivion and never saw help but let my wounds get deeper until the chance of recovery was beyond repair ?

Late nights, I see your faces and the smell of the summer night creep into my lungs. I remember the shirt I wore that you both ripped off and I can feel myself become a object that would be sabotaged.

& I wonder, when I can stop living in this shame and find my self the girl I was the day before, so I can get my feet back and pray to God I can help other girls who need help, sooner than six years.

A RX of voids

I am in a fight with my self a fight I hope I win. I am an addict at its finest, but a human at its worse. I have a addicted personality and I often times let my self fall into the throws of this lush life style I often see fit for the moment of power and joy that is brought upon the medicine of choice or the one at hand.

A month and a half ago I became sick and I was given vikodin for the pain of the cough, I took the dose in three days but it should have lasted me a solid week. I was so happy everywhere I went even the situations I was in during the drug stint I was happy regardless of the let down I at the time was facing. I got home from a vacation on the medicine and I franticly found my self desperate to numb my mind to what it had been dumbed down too, I was a feign brought back to life and ready to suck any blood I could to find the closest thing to settling my addiction by feeding it with its own best friend.

A month ago I took one pill because I told my mother I was in pain from working out and needed a pain medication she had gotten it from a large pill bottle her husband had that turned out to be a man made opiate. I took one and I was floating, I was in the best place I can think of these last two months every thing around me was bright I was shining I was a star. The next day I took two pills, and it kept going on and on such as. By the time a week had passed I had spent my free time only dreaming of what I would do high, would I sit at home by my self and dream of the life I gave up but was completely happy with now for no apparent reason? Would I watch tv for hours on end and not really give a fuck what was on the screen? That was the thing, I just didn’t care I just wanted to feel nothing but a void.

My step father has a amputated leg and he has a lot of pain medicines he is perscribed monthly due to his phantom pains, I had begun taking so many that at the begining of this relapse his bottle once had 100 pills and it was now down to the bottom of the pill bottle. I was regulating almost 10 pills a day-night. I am a small girl I don’t weigh much and I am pretty petite. I would be taking so many pills I would forget how many I had taken and take more in case I had not gotten enough. Three weeks into this you realize you have to now take 11 – 12 pills and dip into his other stash.. for what? Why am I on so many pills that I have spent a month straight at this point avoiding leaving my own house? I am antisocial and I wish nothing more than to sit in solitude and feel nothing. Is this actually living ? I don’t know if it is, I have tried to justify it as living but all I can give my self is living in a medium non existent land where a lot of people soon learned to forget I was even a city or state away how often do you care to make conversation with a girl who can barely spell her name, due to the fact she self diagnosed her self with a medication to strip her personality? It is now a fact, a month and a half later I lack the friends I once had because this is not the first time I would be able to tell them I am sorry I had a relapse with pain medication.

A week ago it snowed and it was also Thanksgiving my brother would be home soon and I was sitting at home in my room the same time it is now, and I was high as a kite. I had a pile of pills sitting in front of me and I began to cry so hard I cried for no reason I had no clue why I was crying I was so numb but I cried and I cried. I now realize I had numbed my self to a point that every problem I had was still in my brain but I was shutting it to a place I would eventually find. It was dark out I was crying and I got my boots on and I ran into the dark of the night with the freshly coated snow ground and I cried at the blank slate the world had given me, it was so obvious. I stared at the streets with no sign of life though I live in a rural area and there is most certainly many living breathing bodies just beneath. I watch my foot prints dissapear as snow covered them, I was non existant in my own journey to wake my self up. This was the biggest moment of my life for this addiction the sign was there.. If I kept down this road, no one would be able to help save me because I would be so far gone they wouldn’t know where to start.

I told my mother about my problem and this was nothing new to her she did not take it as it was but I am glad for the fact she just judged it as a regular thing such as taking too much tylonal. I began to wean off of the medicine and it was a hard thing for me to even think of doing but I realized it was the only step I had left in this game I had created. I have been at this for a week now with only one slip up I am down to two pills, cutting it drastically and feeling every inch of pain that is given to me within the realization of the cold hard truth that I am seeing life as it is for the first time in a month. I had put my self into oblivion and now I am almost off of this devil of a pill and I am realizing how hard it all was and why I jumped into this self mutilating boat of pills. I have spent a lot of time thinking of how much I wish I could just have one more night living in la la land but how does one person decide only one would do? If we could choose when we could emotionally take a break from the harsh fact of what we need to do in life to keep living then we would all fall apart such as my self.

I hope to keep getting off of this sucesfully and I hope I can say sorry to some people that deserve it, people that were a victome to my behavior because of the personality I had given my self, this horrible personality that was as generic as a blank avatar.